I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
