I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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