I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
