I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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