I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
