dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
