oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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