Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
