The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
