Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
