Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
