I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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