so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
