after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
