I faked an abortion last night.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
