After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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