I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
