He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
