Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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