i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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