Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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