I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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