I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
