rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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