We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You're a waste of cheezeits
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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