I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
