well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
