Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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