Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
