ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
