she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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