i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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