can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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