I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
smell my finger.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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