Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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