Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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