Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
