I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
