Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
