you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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