i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
