I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
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