you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
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