I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
