My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
