those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
