I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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