Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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