If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
