the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
