It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
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